What is to be Gained In Losing?
Considering Loss and Defeat as a Transformative Tool For Men
In recent reading about the ancient practice and the necessary wounding of boys crossing into the realm of adulthood, I was struck by two scenes on Monday evening after the college football championship between Michigan Wolverines and Washington Huskies. College football’s two best teams were comprised of young men, 18 years of age into the early 20s. After the defeat of the Huskies, I watched the scene of their quarterback walking off the field, head draped in a towel and hidden by his helmet. A short while later, he was sitting before a microphone answering questions about the game and his defeat. No doubt he wished to be on the other side of the outcome. It was hard to watch and listen to his disappointment, but also in that space of humility and pain, I felt connected to him.
Watch ESPN's video clip - https://www.espn.com/video/clip/_/id/39269707
It is easy to glory with the victors. It is difficult to look into the eyes of the defeated and broken. We are drawn to the highs of success but uncomfortable with pain and grief.
We impulsively analyze and explain, and seek to understand what happened. We want to know what went wrong, how it could have gone differently and learn from the mistakes. We vow never again, draw energy from the distaste of the memory, and carry the lesson learned. We jump to hope and implement strategies to make things better. This reaction is understandable. No one likes to linger in the dark, hopeless and uncomfortable. The caution is to pause lest we prematurely move beyond this moment. This lingering may seem counterintuitive but the ancients understood grief, loss and defeat as transformative; it was a sacred place in which adulthood was earned through a required wounding. Modern society leaves young men to locate this part of their journey and last night we may have witnessed it for some. Maturity and growth happen in loss not gain.
As a police chaplain, I’ve entered countless scenes of profound loss and defeat. Grief is not a choice, it is a body of water to be crossed. The power in those moments and the privilege of the chaplaincy is bearing witness to deep grief. No words. No promises. No actions. Just witnessing, holding and honoring the fallen. It is accompanying someone into the waters of grief. The blessing of these scenes is awareness that we arrive at dusk before the dawn of new life.
Last night, Washington Husky players and fans were reminded of one of life’s certainties: We will all face pain, disappointment, loss, and defeat.
Some things to consider:
How is soothing someone’s sadness different than bearing witness to their grief?
What is your comfort level with grief, loss and defeat?
Who has witnessed your loss and grief well? What was that like?
Which of last night’s players might have the greater opportunity to be transformed by the outcome of the game?