…Not Crazy Friends: Part Two
This article carries on the discussion of men’s search for friendship offering a refresher on do’s, don’ts and reminders.
Men are on the hunt for the cure to profound loneliness and misunderstanding. We try to capture the heart of a romantic partner, corral hobbies, smoke meat, mix drinks, mount work trophies on walls, attend events and buy up gear that turns heads. But if we don’t have one thing, it dampens everything: an “I’m Not Crazy” friend. Cue the Toy Story music. I suppose we can find a friend most anywhere but the proverb wisely states,
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)
That’s the type of person we are looking for! For inexperienced and unpracticed friendship-seekers there are some things to be aware of. There are practical ways that will help you seek and keep meaningful friends and equally, ways you can keep things status quo or make the search more difficult than it need be. Relationships begin with a conversation so in that spirit here is a refresher on relationship pitfalls and pointers.
Oversharing is a killer. When you start a camp fire and the delicate flame is lapping up the paper and starting to ignite the kindling, give it time, room and oxygen. Don’t dump a wheel barrow of wood on top of it. In true friendship there will be years to burn through the experiences and sharing. Overwhelming details, back story, context, and story-spinoffs are sure ways to elicit glazed-over eyes. These plant a big red flag in the soil of friendship. If you are someone who knows you share a lot, dial it back.
Undersharing is a killer. Self-disclosure is water on parched soil. There needs to be some reciprocal sharing for new life to emerge. One-syllable responses and sentences that end with the word in which they began (fine, nothing, good, whatever) may be efficient, but they send a five-bar signal that you don’t want to relate. If you are feeling pressed to open up or share more than you are ready, let your friend know, “I’m not ready to share that yet” or “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
Conversational boomeranging is a killer. Another person’s sharing will inevitably trigger memories and exciting thoughts within you. Everything in you will scream, “Fix their problem!” or “Give them an anecdotal story from your life!” Keep the conversation on them a bit longer. When you always (or almost always) bring the conversation back to yourself, it is like peeing on a campfire. It puts out the fire and really stinks!
Time is your friend. Friendship is a marathon. It takes a focus on the next mile which may look very different than the previous one. No two miles are the same. And there are many miles ahead so be patient and journey on. What your friendship looks like now will be different than in a year or five years or fifteen years. Friends change and friends change just like you will change. The beauty of long-term friendships, even in distance, is they are memorials to important seasons of our life. It seems like mid-life reawakens relationships from early years so keep a watch for ghosts of friendship past!
Shared experiences matter. Find ways to do things together. Common hobbies and leisure activities accelerate the relationship connection. New experiences can help bring out other facets of your friendship. May sound like I’m talking about re-kindling a marriage relationship, but the same principle applies for friendships.
Friendship sooths and aggravates loneliness. There is an archetypal wounding present in men since their birth. Often described as the ancient mother and father wounds, these incurable longings are always present in some form. Friendship with other men provides balm for the heart’s longing to be seen and belong. At the same time, meaningful relationship will irritate and frustrate. But be encouraged! Leaning into the moments of discomfort are like the final rep or lap of the workout. They yield the deepest and most meaningful bonding.
Expectation adjustment may be needed. True friendships are not an easy thing to find. Not everyone will be your friend. And it may be several months or even a year into your relationship before you realize that this friendship will not be more. That is okay. At the same time, it may be of value re-visiting earlier friendships and seeing if time and maturity hasn’t brought the two of you to the same life crossroad. This happened to me recently and the earlier shared experience has made this friendship all the richer!