An Ode To Not Crazy Friends
Let’s begin by correcting an assumption. One may conclude this is a celebration of friends who the author deems not crazy. This is incorrect. This article celebrates the friends who remind me that I’m Not Crazy!
Since self-image is shaped by what is reflected back from others, this article celebrates the gift of that dear friend who has listened to my ideas, observations and heartache for hundreds of hours. This is an ode to Dan who has been my, “Mike, you’re not crazy!” friend. He’s the one I’ve asked at the end of one-sided, grief-ridden rants, “Dan, I just need you to tell me I’m not crazy.” And on cue, Dan says, “Mike, you’re not crazy.”
Phew! I needed to hear that!
Many others less interested and invested in my well-being have offered feedback including that guy in the raised Ford pick-up who felt I should learn to drive, store clerks, church-mates, clients and colleagues. My parents and teachers and coaches, classmates and siblings, spouse and children have all contributed to my evolving sense of self, for better and worse. But there is something special about the “I’m-Not-Crazy” friend. I wonder if you have one of these. Few men seem to have one of these outside of their spouse, but every man needs one!
What Makes Not Crazy Friends Unique
The “I’m-Not-Crazy” friend is always ready to listen. And they are really good at listening. Like when they circle back to something you said earlier, notice subtle connections in your story, or pause the story to inquire about a skipped over detail. They remember and understand what you said including previous conversations. And if they forgot or need to be reminded they humbly ask and let you know when they are caught up or remember. They feel one-hundred percent in your corner even when they are not ready to take your side. This friend will ask you pointed and honest questions and are careful about sharing conclusions too early in the conversation. And they let you rant and talk yourself out. And when you are in rare form, their timely interjection, “Can I say something?” or “How are you feeling right now?” brings you back to the ground. They steer you back on point and ultimately want to take you to a deeper place even when now is not the right time. The “I’m-Not-Crazy” friend is not afraid of losing your friendship and has a solid, growing sense of self. They can feel your pain and use their deepening empathetic gift to touch your very soul in the most heart-aching moments. What’s really marvelous is how they can take inner chaos that touches every crazy nerve and through their sheer presence remind us that, “It’s going to be okay.” Some days you wonder if they shouldn’t be a therapist or professional listener!
Friendship at Mid-Life
Friendship is vital at mid-life. One definitive statement that I can make without need of verifiable sources is that every man feels profoundly alone and misunderstood. Developing deeper friendships outside of one’s spouse is so important that even when no viable “I’m-Not-Crazy!” friend-candidates can be found, the search must go on. Please don’t check out yet! And, you are not crazy! This feels like the junior high cafeteria or PE class from bygone and gladly-forgotten years. It feels this way because the core stuff of those years remains and was never resolved. Now we get to return to unfinished aspects of our younger life: friendship-making.
One definitive statement that I can make without need of verifiable sources is that every man feels profoundly alone and misunderstood.
If you find yourself challenged to find a meaningful friendship it is helpful to consider how adept you feel at being this type of friend for another. Your spouse may have some honest, helpful (and possibly less-than encouraging) feedback on your friendship skill set. All men struggle in friendship. Meaningful friendships were a lower value in our upbringing and few fathers modeled this well. Men tended to bond over activity – the more primal the better. But one thing men by and large never developed in their bonding was emotional awareness and health. Some growing is required for us all.
Crossroad Conclusion
The first crossroad that seems necessary is finding someone to whom you can admit, “I’m lonely.” If the recipient can hold that disclosure in any way without dismissing or ridiculing or leaving the room, they may be a possibility. Invite them to share their personal experience of loneliness. Offer an article, such as this one, to read and ask if they would be willing to give feedback on it. If there is still interest you got yourself a possibility and the friendship dance begins. Your spouse, sister or another attuned woman may be able to help you identify men in your current circle that are possibilities. Women tend to have a natural ability in identifying safe and capable friendship possibilities. Another place is sitting in a group of men at church and just observing those present and their dynamic with others. Is there someone you enjoy listening to or feel closer to? Consider what it is about them that you are drawn to. What do notice they talk about? How do they treat others? Do they feel safe, self-aware and emotionally mature?
As I conclude the first part of this article I invite you to consider.
Does the following statement resonate for you: I feel profoundly alone and misunderstood.
Who has been an “I’m-Not-Crazy” friend in the past? For whom have you been that friend?
Are you ready to re-engage the search? If so, what is a suggestion from this article that might nudge this search forward?