Introducing the Hard-Time Check-In: What to do when someone you know is having a hard time
SUMMARY: This article introduces the idea of a Hard-Time Check-In by offering tips for the everyday man who learns a friend or co-worker is in a difficult life situation. Most often men avoid and say nothing for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. There are practical ways to help your friends know you give a sh*t.
How many times over the years have I returned from a get together with a friend and my wife has asked me, so how are they doing about such-and-such. The such-and-such was either the recent death of a parent, an ailing child, job change, or other big event. In the course of my time with them I had not remembered and thought to ask them about it. I have responded to her question, “Uh, he didn’t say anything about it” or “I forgot to ask” or “How was I supposed to know to ask about that?” All defensive responses shoring up my fragile ego from the haunting sense that I’m a subpar friend.
I find some comfort, knowing that this is a common experience with most, if not all men. I am disturbed by that same fact, for one of my great desires and ambitions is to feel connected with those around me, especially my friends.
Events twenty years ago when my dad called are a bit of a blur. There are some specific moments that I remember. The plasticky feel of the vinyl upholstery on the waiting room chair. The steady buh-beep of the monitoring machine in the hospital room. My mom’s face, her head shaved, folks coming and going offering a supportive visit. My dad, brothers, sisters and me as a rotating presence at Harborview Medical Center. I try to remember what was said and it comes back to me like adult-speak from a Charlie Brown special, “Wha-wha-wha-wha.” Not a single word is remembered. One person I do remember who seemed to always be there, a pastor from our church named Richard. I was a young adult then and a curtain was literally and figuratively pulled back with my mom’s ER visit resulting in brain surgery at Harborview. Bad things and hard-times could and would be part of my life. And I was unprepared then.
Since then I’ve had innumerable opportunities to check-in and a lifetime of opportunities awaits. How about you? Remember the last crisis that hit home hard? Who checked in? If someone didn’t check-in, how did that feel? Who checked in that you did not expect? What was meaningful for you in their check-in? These sort of memories fuel this article and our future.
What follows is encouragement and tips for those moments when we learn of a hard time and difficulty someone close to us is experiencing. Let me introduce you to the Hard-Time Check-In.
How Can I Know A Friend Needs a Hard-Time Check-In?
First, what are the moments warranting a Hard-Time Check-In? This may seem obvious but let me name a few to stir the difficult reality one of your friends may be living with today.
Job change or loss.
Conflict at work or talks of lay-offs, furloughs or worker strikes.
Illness or injury resulting in change of daily work or recreational routine.
Marital conflict – our wives are often clued into these moments within friendship circles.
End of an intimate relationship like a divorce.
Death of anyone in their family, even some one they seem estranged or distant from.
Sickness of a child resulting in hospital care.
Death of a pet.
Car accident, even the less-dramatic fender-bender types.
Legal action or proceedings.
Dealings and settlements with an insurance company – often due to larger life events.
Declining health or medical events involving a parent.
Transitioning a parent to a new home or care facility.
Thanksgiving, Christmas or anniversary if a dearly loved one is no longer around.
Estranged relationship with a child.
End of life conversations about planning, estates, power-of-attorneys or DNRs.
House changes whether it be a move or disruptive event like flooding or fire.
And this list is just getting started!
Isn’t it Better to Say Nothing Than The Wrong Thing?
There is an assumption that when a friend is in distress, it is better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. We believe that what is most needed is a well-timed and well-spoken encouragement. The reality is, presence and acknowledgment are what is needed and desired. Presence can be explained as physical and emotional availability and nearness to the one having the hard-time. Acknowledgement is the term I use here purposefully. It is letting the friend know that we know they are in a hard-time. We let the other know we are witness to their difficulty and unpleasant circumstance.
How do we know the right thing to say? I can guarantee you that clichés are unhelpful, and there are no “supposed-to-says” when it comes to a Hard-Time Check-In. In a way, the fact that you are saying anything means something. However, if we are unfamiliar with the Hard-Time Check-In we may panic and say the first thing that comes to mind. This is often unhelpful. Here are some questions to get you thinking about what you could say. Jot a few notes down in response.
Have you been through this sort of experience before? What do you remember being helpful? Was there anything unhelpful or bothersome for you?
Do you understand what is happening for this person? What do you speculate they are feeling and needing right now?
Has someone shared something with you that felt particularly meaningful in a similar situation?
Have you run this by your spouse? Women have an intuitive sense about care, nurture and the Hard-Time Check-In.
PRO TIP: Write down the actual script of what you want to say before the call. You don’t have to read or memorize it but the practice will give you the words and flow to speak.
It is okay to say I don’t know what to say. It may sound something like,
Hey Mike, I called cause I heard things are pretty rough. I don’t know what to say right now or what you need but I’m thinking of you during this hard time.
Hey Mike, I heard about your loss and I know a little how it feels. I don’t know more to say but I’m remembering you right now.
Hey Mike, I learned about your news and am feeling really bummed for you. I’m not sure what else I could say to encourage you, but if you want to talk more about it I would value a chance to listen.
These can be offered if the friend answers or the call goes to voicemail. For added effect, the sentiment could also be sent by old-school handwritten note.
So what can we say in a Hard-Time Check-In that is helpful?
Again, clichés are those things we would never say in normal conversation or face-to-face with a friend. They are panicked space fillers laying bare the inadequacy felt by the speaker. Skip them for something simple and something of substance. I’m not even going to offer examples of common clichés for fear you might remember one and inadvertently throw it in on a Hard-Time Check-In!
Let me break down what we can say that is helpful. Three things to offer in your Hard-Time Check-In:
Part 1. Acknowledge your awareness of their difficulty.
I saw your post online about your having to put your pet down and was concerned about how you were doing…
I heard there’s been some parenting challenges you have been facing…
I know the holidays are coming and I remember the loss of your dad last year…
The other day when you said you were having a difficult time I didn’t realize just how difficult of time you were having, I heard your company is looking at lay-offs…
My wife told me you received some tough health test results…
Part 2. Show your humanity and feelings.
Validate the seriousness of their hard-time. Tell them how you feel learning this news or hearing of their difficulty. Not finding that feeling? Imagine yourself in that situation and choose one or two words that expresses what you’re feeling inside.
I know how much I love my pup and can imagine how heart-breaking it would be to lose him. I am so sad for you, my friend.
I know what it’s like to love your child so much you would do anything for them. My heart aches for you in this conflict.
I know holidays are so much about family and being with people we love and you will miss being with your dad this year. I feel your loneliness.
I know how my job is not just about paying the bills but gives me purpose and security to my family. I worry and feel your stress about this.
I know health is always on our mind but this feels like it shakes up everything. I hurt and also hope for you.
Part 3. Express your solidarity.
I’m thinking of you today and will check in with you tomorrow.
I’m available if you want to talk about it or if you need a distraction.
Today I’m taking a few minutes to pause and pray for you.
I was your friend before all this and nothing will change that moving through this.
I am for you and pulling for you no matter how long and how much it takes.
As you wrap up your Hard-Time Check-In you may offer to say a brief prayer, ask to follow-up with them at a later time, ask them if there is anything they need from you, tell them they can reach out if they need anything, or simply tell them you love them. Whatever you do, end confidently because you have shown up with simplicity, substance and purpose.
Doesn’t My Friend Need Space?
There is an assumption that people need space and will reach out for care when needed. For men this is rarely true. In hard times we are usually pressed into survival strategies of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Eating patterns, exercise and self-care routines are upended as we operate from the more primitive part of our brains. The request of space is often a well-worn strategy of isolation and may be coming from the young, let-me-survive part of our friend’s mind. The heart and soul needs presence. We can support them with a Hard-Time Check-In that does not feel overwhelming or consuming and places undue expectation on them “showing up” for our check-in. Presence and acknowledgment is personal and can happen with a visit, call, email and even text message.
The visit is the ultimate check-in. It may be five minutes at the front door or five hours sitting in a waiting room. They can happen for a hour over drinks, initiating a work carpool drive together, or bringing carry out for a shared meal on the front steps. Visits are truly memorable and can transform a relationship for a lifetime.
The phone call is the most versatile and serves as the baseline for every Hard-Time Check-In. Worried about calling at a bad time? Trust the person to leave your call unanswered or send it to voicemail if they are not in a place to talk. Give the person the freedom to receive your call rather than not offer it all. Remember, this is a Hard-Time Check-In not a crisis intervention call or play-by-play recap or extended conversation. You are offering presence and acknowledging the hardship. This is brief. These calls are usually five-minutes in length. Most men will not have a lot to say or still need to process what is happening before unpacking it further. These calls may be two-parters with a shorter call followed by a longer one or splitting things up due to interruption or time restraints. Some of these can last twenty minutes or more. If you have five-minutes to talk and you realize your friend is ready to talk longer offer something like, “Hey Mike, I only had a few minutes to talk so I got to go, but I want to talk and hear more. Can I call you later today to continue our conversation?” One-hundred percent of the time they will say yes and gratefully accommodate your time restraint.
The text message is good in certain circumstances. Consider if a phone call will be a distraction to the emergency on hand. But also ask yourself if you are avoiding some discomfort you feel and choosing a less personal text message for your sake rather than your friend. Often the text message can be coupled with a phone call. If you left a voicemail a text message is helpful to let them know you were checking in. Keep texts brief, not boomer-brief requiring the recipient to scroll endlessly! If you have more to share call and tell them. A Hard-Time Check-In is intended to be relationship deepening and as personal as we can possibly make it.
The handwritten note is classic. It may be the old soul in me, but I have saved all powerful notes and letters written to me over the years. They are mementos capturing the voice, sentiment and power of a moment. It is a virtually lost art that communicate as much personal emotion as the audible voice, but in a way that forever preserves the message. They also slow us down and give us a chance to ponder what we are going to say. A handwritten note is the Excalibur of the Hard-Time Check-In. It may be time to order some decent stationary!
Can I Trust My Friend Will Reach Out When Ready?
There is an assumption that our friend knows we know about his hard time, and will remember to reach out if needed. Reality, in hard times we forget. Reality, we usually don’t know what we need. Reality, we have been trained to not inconvenience others coupled with a duty to carry our own burden. A touch point, reach out or call is a needed reminder that we are not alone.
In the first episode of the Ordinary Men and the Moments That Made Them podcast (01 | Bob’s Moment) there is a particularly poignant moment (45:18) when Bob shared what it was like for him to come home and his father and brother’s silence. It is worth a listen from someone who had come home from Vietnam, a particularly traumatic event, in which a Hard-Time Check-In was desperately needed. He states, “Silence was ‘they didn’t give a sh*t.’” In the interview and every time I have listened to his words I feel sick and moved to tears. He needed care in the form of a few simple and substantial questions – and did not receive it.
We cannot trust our friends to reach out for care when needed. The Hard-Time Check-In is something men initiate on behalf of friends in difficult life places.
Additionally, our friends will be so good at downplaying or hiding their hard times that we will often not discover the news until later. The moment we discover the news it is time to respond. If we do not respond immediately, we will probably forget.
Will My Hard-Time Check-In Be Well-Received?
Not always. Remember, our friend is likely stressed and in their go-to survival strategy. They may not be in flight-mode. They may be in fight-mode. Our Hard-Time Check-In may fall flat or worse, it may incite anger or a harsh response. What then? It’s OK. You’re reaching out. The Hard-Time Check-In is not about caring for yourself or eliciting a some kind of affirmation, kudos or friendship points. We may feel some self-congratulations on being a good friend, but we are leaning into the care our friend needs. Hard times stir anxiety and stress responses. These can be unpleasant, or feel like somebody is ghosting us, and not acknowledging or reaching out. Again, this is about our caring for another. I have heard the stories from our police chaplain team of family members directing a seething verbal barrage at them while on scene. I remember one vivid scene of a widow screaming at the paramedics and then pounding on the chest of her deceased husband. I sat next to her for a hour as she screamed in anger and then collapsed sobbing, then cycled through the intense emotions again. These times are an invitation to bear witness to hardship and grief. This is the most sacred of human experiences. It begins with our offering presence and acknowledgement. Often our Hard-Time Check-In response will prove our safety and capability to move deeper into the experience with the other. One who gets hurt or offended by a flat or undesirable response will probably not be invited further into the other’s experience. Hard-Time Check-Ins are for strong, safe and courageous men.
Conclusion
I think of the inclination that we may have to stop for a car at the side with road hazard lights on or hood raised. There are some men who don’t even hesitate and will immediately pull over. There are others who see the stranded motorist and don’t think about pulling over until long after they passed them. And there are some who made it a practice to never pull over. What is the right response? I’m not going to offer one.
If we want to be the guy who stops for every motorist and we’re not that person yet, this is going to require some advance planning and some re-training. We will have to resolve in advance what we plan to do. Carrying this example into the Hard-Time Check-In, we may resolve, “I will call every friend and workmate who experiences a death in their family.” Then we start to practice. If we learn months later about a coworker, whose parent died, we may feel bad that we said nothing at that time and are just learning about it now. I have learned it is a-okay and very meaningful to do a Hard-Time Check-In days or even weeks later. What will add value to this deferred check-in is that our most difficult experiences are well attended for the first several weeks. Then, folks forget or assume it’s all okay and the hardship is over and unimportant. These kind of hard experiences, whether it be a job change, sickness, death of a loved one or relationship issues usually linger for months and even years. I’m giving us permission to check in with others. There are few ways we can deepen our relationship and care for someone better than remembering them in these moments.
It is widely known that men are profoundly lonely. The Hard-Time Check-In is one of the most effective investments in the future of friendships. The way we check in and express love and generosity with others often initiates the same from others. It is also the bar by which we can evaluate quality friendships from the less meaningful ones. Don’t forget this goes both ways in the evaluation!
In conclusion I invite you to ponder a few questions:
Who is someone who has given you a much needed Hard-Time Check-In? What was that experience like?
How have you circled back in appreciation for those who have checked in with you?
What difficult time is someone you know going through? Could you initiate a Hard-Time Check-In today?
How could you offer this check-in care for your spouse or children?
For more information about Coaching the Crossroads or to begin your own crossroads journey please reach out!