Guardrails of Hard Conversations
Honesty and honor can guide moments of important sharing
SUMMARY: Hard conversations are part of intimate and important relationships. The twin principles of honor and honesty can offer guidance in these conversations. This article gives three examples considering a hard conversation in the way we set-up and climb a ladder.
How well did your last hard conversation go?
It may have been a spontaneous, unplanned conversation where someone close shared an unexpected, deeply impactful decision.
It may have been an email request from a family to help deliver news the next day to a child about their sibling’s death.
It may have been a long anticipated sharing and processing of a hurt with a loved one.
These conversations are difficult. Some haunt and press us to share, others we debate whether it is easier and better to avoid or let another take the task. We think perhaps things are okay and we are making it too big a deal. We may rationalize one more day or the next time would be better so we can be better prepared or in a clearer mind space.
Inevitably the reckoning will come when the hard conversation must be had. It will be an act of courage and faith and disrupt the relational landscape. Trajectories and futures may be changed. I’ve faced my fair share of them, avoided many to my own detriment, and characterized myself for decades as “conflict avoidant.” However, much of my strength and opportunity and perspective was shaped by major crossroad conversations that were exceedingly difficult.
Before we move on, consider how your last hard conversation went. What hard conversation is coming, or have you been avoiding? I understand the challenge and hope to offer a little guidance that may motivate the next step.
Honor and Honesty
The tandem hard-conversation framework I want to offer is through a simple lens of honor and honesty. Most hard conversation shortfalls can be attributed to an over-emphasis or diminishment in one of these two categories. When it comes to necessary conversations we can miss precious opportunity when we defer to one and neglect the other.
Lack of honor results in harsh, blunt and insensitive sharing. The person will be put into a defensive posture and respond with shutting down, anger, withdrawal or resistance. Even if the person is responding with the correct statements, listening quietly or giving the expected signals, they will leave the conversation closed off to its full impact. As I’ve said when the recipient, “It’s not what you are saying, but how you are saying it that is hard to receive.” Honor is marked by kindness, respect and gentleness.
Lack of honesty results in confusing wording, not sharing everything and diluting the essence of the message. We protract conversation as we approach our point in roundabout ways. We may touch on the edge or some aspect of truthfulness or transparency, then settle for that’s enough or walk back from the difficult and scary depths of full honesty. The last ten-percent is left unsaid. Honesty is marked by vulnerability, directness and truthfulness.
There are many reasons why we avoid hard conversations. On the surface our holding back or moving around difficult sharing is for noble, good reasons. We don’t want to hurt, inconvenience or make a big deal out of something small. Below the surface we don’t want to be hurt, experience rejection or disappointment in the other. The recipient’s well-being is on our mind and we have convinced our self what is best for them without actually giving them agency to choose. More accurately, our own emotional well-being is being protected.
Setting-up the Hard Conversation Ladder
The ladder is both a precarious and advantageous tool giving us access to places not otherwise reachable. So it is with hard conversations.
Ground Set-up: This is finding the right time and place to have the conversation. Time restraints, as the person is heading to work or in between appointments is not the best time for this. This involves assessing their mental and emotional bandwidth in that moment as well. A hard, exhausting day may require them having some time to reset before the conversation. The ground set-up may look like…
I have something I want to talk to you about concerning [TOPIC]. Would you be willing and able to talk with me about that?
If they say yes, confirm if here and now would be that opportunity. If they say no, ask them when there would be a better time for that conversation.
Hard conversations have two conversations. The first is the conversation about having the conversation. Tearing-off-the-band-aid approaches and ambush-like tactics make thoughtful and adequate responses difficult. In the metaphor this is placing the ladder on firm ground for the climb about to come. The preliminary conversation raises the value of what we are about to share and increases receptivity. It may also raise the stress level. Hence the next step.
Upper Placement. Summarize the topic of the hard conversation. Give them a sense of our message. Few people appreciate being blind-sided, jump scares and catastrophes. Briefly tell them more.
This summary will direct their attention to the next words you are about to say. The look on their face can be difficult as we see the focus, fear, pain or confusion in their eyes. This is not the time to back away but place our foot on the first rung.
Stepping on. Reveal how this impacts us or how we feel by what we are sharing. Hard conversations are about human connection so revealing one’s humanity is a powerful beginning.
Here are examples of upper placement and stepping on.
Example #1: I appreciate you telling me your decision – and, I’m caught off guard and need to tell you how it makes me feel hearing that. I had expected a different decision.
Example #2: I’m here to talk with about your brother and tell you something that is very difficult for me to share.
Example #3: I got a bit heated and snarky with you and want to talk about how I treated you. I was irritated, made some assumptions and rather than be curious I was sarcastic.
The Harrowing Climb. Name the core issue or primary purpose. Be clear and direct. This is a carefully considered statement for in it is the essence of the hard conversation. This is not the place for ambiguity or hesitancy. Be courageous, press forward and make the statement/ask.
Example #1: This has been an incredibly lonely season and few have been supportive of me and my family in this time. I haven’t shared a lot of the details with you and am not able to share everything with you right now, but I request that you come.
Example #2: You have not seen your brother in several days and I need to tell you the reason why. Your brother has died and he will not be coming home. (Pause)
Example #3: While I want you understand what I am feeling, I first want to take responsibility for my unkindness and express how sorry I am for treating you in this way.
Stabilize and Assess. At this point it is time to check in and assess how the recipient is doing. Then we can offer a deepened explanation, or if needed, process areas of confusion. Allow the other a chance to take in the information, recover and receive needed details. This is the point of dialogue, questions and clarification. Remember to stay focused on the reason you initiated this hard conversation. Resist stacking other conversations, rabbit-trailing or getting away from the essence. Other topics may arise but give this hard conversation its due before moving on.
Example #1: It is more important than you may realize, and ask for you to change your mind and decision. What could I share with you to help influence your decision?
Example #2: When I tell you your brother has died, do you understand what I am telling you?
Example #3: You made clear how it made you feel unloved and unimportant. I am sorry for treating you that way. It was unkind and undeserved. Is there anything more you need to share with me?
At this point the climb is over and you are at your destination. In ladder work this is the most tenuous aspect of the climb.
Stepping off. The invitation or request. Now comes the next step and often the ending of this hard conversation. What are you asking of the other person? When will the follow-up conversation be? What are you offering?
Example #1: I know you need time to think about what I have shared and my request is a big ask. Could you take a few days to think about what I shared and get back to me?
Example #2: This news can feel overwhelming and I’m going to give you time to think about what I’ve shared. I’ll stay with you for as long as you need. We don’t have to talk but if you have questions you can ask them.
Example #3: Are you in a place to hear what I was feeling and needing to ask for earlier?
Post-Brief. Assess the success of the hard conversation. Getting what you wanted is not the gauge of success in a hard conversation. Nor is changing the other’s mind or eliciting a sought after response. Usually I have found a favorable outcome but unresponsiveness and rejection are painful. “Good enough” may be good enough. Success is coming as fully present, conscious of our inner state and speaking with honor and honesty to the other.
In the first example, the initial hard conversation led to three more. It was tiring and disappointing but good enough because I made my request known and brought vulnerability, directness and kindness.
In the second example, I was prepared to share the above mentioned script. I sat in the room with family members prepared to share when one of those present blurted out, “your brother’s dead!” The anxiety was too much and the guilt of not telling the sibling triggered the sudden disclosure before I could say a word.
In the third example, things went well with my spouse. My success rate is growing with age, experience and practice.
As we grow the following questions can increase personal awareness: What’s running in the background for me right now? How am I doing? What am I doing to protect myself or the listener, get out of this, step back, or compromise? Am I avoiding anything? Any new data I should pay attention to?
We grow through experience and self-discovery and get better with practice. The challenge is recognizing those unhelpful approaches that we are ready to outgrow. Do we have a poor success rate or feel discouraged by past failures? Let’s talk about it and find a new way!
Hard Conversation Example #1
How the conversation of the impactful decision sounded.
(The family member brought up their impactful and unexpected decision in the middle of a conversation.)
I appreciate you telling me your decision – and, I’m caught off guard and need to tell you how it makes me feel hearing that. I had expected a different decision. This has been an incredibly lonely season and few have been supportive of me and my family in this time. I haven’t shared a lot of the details with you and am not able to share everything with you right now, but I request that you come. It is more important than you may realize, and ask for you to change your mind and decision. What could I share with you to help influence your decision?
(We discussed the reason for the decision and I clarified the request.)
I know you need time to think about what I have shared and my request is a big ask. Could you take a few days to think about what I shared and get back to me?
Hard Conversation Example #2
Here is anticipated sharing during the difficult death notification.
I have something I want to talk to you about why a police chaplain is visiting you today. Would you be willing and able to talk with me about that?
(The child nods)
I’m here to talk with about your brother and tell you something that is very difficult for me to share. You have not seen your brother in several days and I need to tell you the reason why. Your brother has died and he will not be coming home. (Pause) When I tell you your brother has died, do you understand what I am telling you?
(The child nods)
This news can feel overwhelming and I’m going to give you time to think about what I’ve shared. I’ll stay with you for as long as you need. We don’t have to talk but if you have questions you can ask them.
(Like I mentioned, this hard conversation did not go as prepared.)
Hard Conversation Example #3
This was essentially what I said when processing hurt with my spouse.
I have something I want to talk to you about concerning the argument we had early today. Would you be willing and able to talk with me about that?
(She responded ‘yes’)
I got a bit heated and snarky with you and want to talk about how I treated you. I was irritated, made some assumptions and rather than be curious I was sarcastic. While I want you understand what I am feeling, I first want to take responsibility for my unkindness and express how sorry I am for treating you in this way. You made clear how it made you feel unloved and unimportant. I am sorry for treating you that way. It was not right and undeserved. Is there anything more you need to share with me?
(No.)
Are you in a place to hear what I was feeling and needing to ask for earlier?
(The conversation moved forward.)
Practice and Prep
Your turn! What was the last hard conversation you had?
Write down the event and an approximate dialogue of who said what. Remember the way you felt, a memory or thought that came to mind. Consider what you didn’t say that you could have. Notice what kept you in the conversation and how it ended and you left. Go back to what you did immediately afterward and what it was like. Where was honor and honesty present or lacking?
There is inevitably going to be a hard-conversation opportunity thrust upon us in the very near future. Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid! I believe if we were truly incapable and not meant for the heavy responsibilities they would not present them self so readily.
Let us not delay and avoid but move forward through the difficult!
Are you preparing for or in the post-brief of a hard conversation? Would another’s perspective and coaching be of value in important sharing? Reach out for support and guidance!