“I hate writing cause I’m bad at it”: Addressing the Barrier Men Face Writing Stories Down
SUMMARY: This article is a step-by-step guide to help men write a personal story for the Men’s Story Night, Men’s Story Group and Ordinary Men and the Moments That Made Them podcast. Included is the personal example and process Mike used to prepare for the upcoming Men’s Story Night!
The recent Men’s Story Night gathered a wonderful group of men from very different circles of life. They were acquainted with me and ready to try something I had been encouraging them into for months: personal story writing. I commonly ask at the start of story sharing how the writing experience was for the men. It is a very helpful way of gauging the emotional temperature of the task before we begin sharing “homework” projects. At group’s beginning one of the men shared, “You all need to know I was not good at school.” He pulled out his folded up notepad paper where he had scribbled out his story and continued, “I hate writing cause I’m bad at it!” I thanked him for his transparency and shared how much it meant to me that he would push through that discomfort and bring a story to share.
The man who shared is a very dear friend of mine of 25 years. He’s one of the most gifted craftsman I know, a plumber by trade, and probably the most entertaining story-teller I know. And this arduous “I-hate-writing” experience wasn’t his first time. He’s been part of the story-telling nights long before the Men’s Story Night experience. He felt profoundly unsuccessful at school and writing and yet he pushed in and came prepared. This particular Men’s Story Night’s theme was Overcoming Adversity. His story was an event that happened 50 years ago when someone saw past his dislike of academics and believed in him. It was an inspiring story.
If my friend who declared, “I hate writing cause I’m bad at it!” can overcome the adversity of story writing, I believe anyone can!
Let me help you delve into a task more difficult and daunting than we are ready for. This article is for those who ask, “Who in the freaking world would do this for fun?!” Let me tell you there are a growing number of men. Let me help you get ready for your first Men’s Story Night!
Here are some Story Writing Helps to get you over the curb and on the road to writing your own story!
A written story is different than when orally recounted. Extemporaneous story-telling is dynamic with the audience. Real-time editorializing and adjustments will be made to maintain the listeners engagement or garner the desired reaction. The written story presses a commitment to word choice and story arc. The original version will offer our audience a unique, true and honest story.
We are now psyched up (or out!) and ready to begin. Ideally, we will approach the next steps and final story in two go-rounds. Each go-round will be about 30-minutes for the best results.
Go-Round One: Choosing and Starting the Story
Choosing which story to write. While a prompt is given you may feel stuck identifying a good, or the best, or any story that fits. A suggestion is to identify 3-5 possibilities and a 1 or 2 sentence synopsis that captures the essence of each idea.
Let’s imagine what this might look like with a conversation with myself and a coach.
This month’s prompt is “Lost and Alone: Tell a childhood story when you felt alone, helpless or lost.” We pick-up the conversation here.
Mike Ugh, a childhood story! I don’t remember my childhood very well. What do I do?
Coach Okay, don’t panic. We don’t spend a lot of time remembering that far back and not all things come quickly and easily. Start by considering any of the big, vivid memories you have from childhood. Vacations, school, field trips, shopping, chores, late at night, highs or low points, death of a grandparent, fights… am I stirring anything up?
Mike Hmm. Idea number one. Babysitter. I remember a time when someone called the house and I answered the phone. He asked for my parents and I said they were gone and the caller hung up. My babysitter told me the caller may have been a kidnapper checking to see if my parents were home. I felt alone and scared and responsible for putting everyone in danger. Okay, that could be the story, and came faster than I thought.
Coach Good. Keep brainstorming.
Mike Idea number two. Camping. Driving with my brothers to go camping. We left after school and every campground we went to was full and we had to find one before it became dark. I remember feeling confused and stressed. I guess you could say I was lost. That could be one.
Coach You’re rolling. Keep brainstorming.
Mike Idea number three. Uhh – think, think, think! Snare drum. I was practicing my snare drum in my bedroom for beginning band. I hated practicing and found it so boring. Drums were not what I expected. I told my dad I wanted to quit and he said I had to finish what I started and complete the year. He didn’t get how much I hated it. When he walked away I felt alone. Dang, that one feels like a therapy story!
Coach It does. Let’s not think too much about it yet. Can you brainstorm one more?
Mike Idea number four. Station Wagon repair. My dad tasked me with repairing the damaged station wagon with parts from the wrecking yard before I got my driver license. My fingers were numb as I tried to turn bolts in the winter weather. Felt pretty helpless and alone then.
Coach That’s four!
Mike I’m too tired to think of any more.
Coach Nicely done! You have four good possibilities, and have a little explanation for each. Let’s review those and see if you have a better sense of the best one or the one you are most interested in writing.
Mike Okay, now to pick one… (before I tell you which one I choose let me get to the next step)
Writing the actual story. How do I turn an idea or memory into a story? Before we write anything we have to consider the age from which we’ll tell the story. Stories evolve as we get older. Let’s try to get closer to the original!
Write the story from your perspective at the age the story happened rather than your present perspective. The story has power because of how we saw, experienced and came to understand our self at that time.
In my earlier examples I remember the babysitter-kidnapper warning happening some time when I was in elementary school. I was a kid in the 80s and kidnappers were a thing. Missing children were on our cardboard milk cartons, cargo and camper vans were likely kidnapper vehicles, and Just Say No (to drugs) and Stranger Danger (anti-kidnapping propaganda) were a big thing.
I was 17 or so when I got my license and took my two younger brothers on our first solo camping getaway. We found a camping spot but spent hours driving around rural Snohomish County.
Beginning band was for 5th graders and I was ten or eleven when I had my snare drum I-wanna-quit conversation with my dad. There were some details I wanted to tell to my dad but didn’t know how to say it.
The Ford Lincoln Colony Park repair was winter of 1992 when I turned 17 years old. It’s connected to my driver’s license story and taught me some stuff for me about work.
Some stories can be written out in pretty quick fashion. Others will get started but stall after a few moments or sentences. That’s okay. Find a place and a time to write free from distraction. This may require hand-writing if your computer or phone are too busy.
My story selection: I chose the babysitter-kidnapper idea.
Free-write. Write what comes to mind and skip any editing temptations. Get words and ideas on the paper. Later when you have something to work with you can figure out what to keep, shape and remove. The end product will be 250-500 words. Set the goal to fill one typed page or two hand written pages. If we run out of things to say early that’s okay. If we run on longer that’s okay too. Just write.
Here are some techniques to help us begin.
Find your ideal place, space, time of day and write. Choose the early morning, when the house is empty, in the car when driving, at a coffee shop with music in the air pods, late at night after everyone has gone to bed, or whatever your prime thinking atmosphere.
Close your eyes and say it out loud. Speak out what you remember and anything that connects to it. Record this if you want to capture it. Use voice-to-text in your Notes app. Or just listen and let the thoughts flow and then write details down.
Take a walk with your phone and let the memory accompany you. Think of it “sideways” rather than straight on or with brute force concentration. Relax your thinking and release pressure to remember. On the walk record on your phone what comes to mind as you stroll.
Find a picture or keepsake or Google-map the location. Often these mementos or props can awaken details – or unearth other story ideas!
Imagine having a conversation with someone (like a childhood friend from that period, a parent, family member or a coach). Respond as though they just asked, “Tell me what you remember when [such-and-such] happened…”
Back into the story. Write down what you don’t remember, details that seem important but forgotten or questions you want to but can’t answer. This can reveal the details you do remember and essentially back you into the story.
Lean in and trust the process. Push through the doubt and distraction believing the story will emerge.
Writer’s Block, Dead Ends and Stuck Places
When we feel ourself stuck or sluggish try to answer these to break free and find the flow.
What details do I remember? What were things said, context and what I saw, heard, felt at that time? What do I seem to forget?
Who were the people present or absent? What does this mean in the story?
If I wasn’t concerned about factual precision how would I tell it?
What were the big themes or feelings attached to this story? Do any of these give stronger meaning to the theme?
What else was happening in my life at that time?
Does this event remind me of any tother? In what way?
What seems important to ask that boy in the story?
What was the boy like at that age?
How did this event begin? How did it end?
If I was to simply re-tell a friend, spouse or child this story what would I say?
Are there details in this event I’m finding uncomfortable, embarrassing or wanting to avoid? What does this mean?
Where does my heart or mind take me as I write? Should I follow that line of thought for a bit to see where it goes?
It will be tempting to stop writing and plan to come back to it another time. Try to push through the block. Put down thoughts. Sometimes we can simply write about the story we don’t know how to write about (i.e. “I want to write about this search for a camping spot with my brothers but I don’t know how to turn it into a story. I just remember driving and driving and feeling worried and not telling my brothers…”) It will be tempting to change to one of the other prompts. We are welcome to do this if needed but be sure we don’t jump off the story too quickly.
If anyone needs a little personal help on the story please reach out. Interestingly, at some point I spoke with every single participant before the last Men’s Story Night helping them through a stuck place.
Here’s my draft version of the story:
When I was a kid, I was the oldest brother with two younger brothers. My parents families lived in Portland, so when my parents had plans or activities, they would often hire babysitters. I remember one named Karen who lives down the road. There was another older teenage girl named Julie who often came. My brothers and I really liked Julie because she would bring a small black-and-white TV when she babysat. We did not have a TV to watch when I was in elementary school. One night in my house when Julie was babysitting the old traditional ring of the phone sounded. I was very helpful and wanted to prove how responsible I was at an early age. I went and picked up the phone and answered it. There was a man’s voice on the other end of the call. He asked if my dad or mom were home.
I told him my parents were gone and it was only me and my brothers and the babysitter at home. The man said OK and hung up. Julie asked me who was on the phone. I told him I didn’t know who it was. She replied, it could’ve been a kidnapper who is wanting to see if your parents were home so he could come and take you. At first, I was confused and then I felt a pit in my stomach when Julie went to make sure the front door was locked. I don’t remember anything else about what games we played or a show we watched on her TV. I remember being scared, and alone and responsible for putting my family in danger. From that point forward, I was always very careful about how I answered the phone. if I was home alone, I learn to tell the caller my parents were not available or that they could not come to the phone at that moment or that they were busy. I had disbelief that I needed to be prepared and very careful if I was to be responsible. when this happened I was careful to never tell my parents or anyone because I was embarrassed at how I had put everyone in danger.
Note: This draft was completed as I was driving to an appointment on voice-to-text. It took me about 15-minutes to think, come up with and finish. I did not edit anything except a duplicate sentence that somehow showed up. As I was putting it down I honestly felt a little nervous that I didn’t have enough of a story and that it wasn’t going to be interesting enough for the Men’s Story Night. But I want to show you the process and be faithful to it. So you’ve read what I’m starting with.
Once we finish writing, stop! We completed the hardest part and now is an ideal time to step away from the work of remembering and writing. We will come back to this for refining and editing. Hopefully you have not procrastinated and need to get this all done by the Men’s Story Night tomorrow night or in a few hours. If you waited, press into go-round two and the next 30-minutes of the work. Otherwise, take a day or two away before returning for the most satisfying part of the writing process – the finished product!
Go-Round Two: Reviewing and Polishing the Story
As mentioned earlier, two go-arounds with the story are ideal. We began with the story brainstorming, choosing the story and then writing the story in rough form.
Now we come to the final preparation of the story. The word count of 250-500 words is to ensure that we have enough content to engage and also limit content so everyone has an equal opportunity to share. For the man-of-many-words this is a challenge and forces the very important less-is-more editorializing!
Re-read what was written earlier. Add or clarify details. Organize the blocks and sequence of the story. Imagine we were watching a home video of this event and tell us about it. If your story is too short what follows is where you can add valuable details. If it is too long it is likely because there are too many of the following details included, or more than one story is being told. Describe relevant location and vivid sensory details.
Include conversations and dialogue as best as remembered.
Offer inner feelings, thoughts or ideas that were experienced.
Touch on curious, unusual or weird moments or interactions.
Consider if this was a repeated or one-off experience.
Reflect on how this event was internalized in our young psyche and memory at this time.
The last and favorite part of this final Go-Round: Give the story a title. There are no rules or recommendations to this. Title your story!
Remember you will read this story so listen to yourself read and don’t worry about spelling, punctuation and grading of any kind. Stutters, stumbles, sentence re-starts are normal for all of us.
Finally, as you review your story check the following questions:
Does the final story address the requested prompt?
Is this a single event or story?
Is the word count within the requested limits?
Do I have my physical copy printed to bring?
Still worried about your story, the idea of reading in front of others, or secretly proud of the finished product? Read the story out loud to a spouse or friend.. Invite them to listen and avoid any impulse to analyze, edit or critique the story.
If we have a finished and printed copy of our story within 250-500 words, congratulations! We’ve arrived at the end of the homework part of things and now we get to find our way to the Men’s Story Night. Come ready for a pleasant surprise of feeling connected and part of something bigger than any one story. Having known the challenge of preparing our story it will cue us into engagement we can bring to the others who shared the process.
Final Version of My Story
Wondering what my story will be to share? Here it is!
Lost and Alone Before the Age of 18: The Kidnapper Call
By Mike Wright
My family lived in the Bothell suburb and I was the oldest child with two younger brothers. My parents left their family in Portland when they moved so when my parents had plans or activities they would often hire babysitters. Usually I would learn of the babysitter hours before which was always a little exciting. Frozen Totino pizzas was a special parents-are-out dinner, and I enjoyed someone a little older since I was the oldest and usually only played with younger siblings and kids in the neighborhood. We didn’t have a TV when I was in elementary school.
The back-up babysitter was named Karen who lived down our street in the corner house; the clear favorite babysitter my brothers and me unanimously agreed on was an older teenage girl named Julie. We sometimes would go with my mom or dad to pick her up and bring her back to our house. My brothers and I really liked Julie because she would bring a small black-and-white TV. We loved babysitter nights!
One babysitter night everything changed for me with Julie. A baa-rrrring! of the telephone interrupted our night. I wanted to be helpful and prove my responsibility to Julie – a constant desire of mine since an early age. (I may have wanted to impress the older girl too.) I picked up the phone and answered it. There was a man’s voice on the other end of the call. He asked if my dad or mom were home.
I told him my parents were gone and it was only me and my brothers and the babysitter at home. The man said OK and hung up. Julie asked me who was on the phone. I told him I didn’t know who it was. She replied, it could’ve been a kidnapper who is wanting to see if your parents were home so he could come and take you. At first, I was confused and then I felt a pit in my stomach. Julie went to make sure the front door was locked. I don’t remember anything else about what games we played or the show we watched on her TV. I remember being scared, alone and responsible for putting my family in danger. From that point forward, I was always very careful about how I answered the phone. If I was home alone I learned to tell the caller my parents were not available or that they could not come to the phone at that moment or that they were busy. I had a belief that I needed to be prepared and very careful. I kept this mistake a secret and only told my wife many years later because I was so embarrassed at how I had put everyone in danger.
459 words.