Solutions for the Stupid Things We Say and Do in Stress: How to undo and re-train reactivity

SUMMARY: Men struggle to change reactive and instinctive responses when facing stress in intimate relationships. Often these reactions are self-preserving, hurtful and counter-productive. Police officers have learned how to re-train reactions in high-stressed situations and their advice can help men react in more purposeful ways.

Preparing Police for Stressful Situations

I recently sat with police officers watching body cam footage of responses to stress-inducing calls. The sergeant had brought two examples as part of discussion and training. One became a chaotic traffic stop. The other involved a contact that became highly dangerous but was skillfully contained. As the conversation went on I listened as they critiqued, agreed, disagreed and brainstormed the scenarios. Body cams provide incredible vantage points for these exercises. At one point  I asked the question, “How do you train an officer out of the tendency to panic or respond limbically?” In other words, in high-stress situations the brain essentially goes offline from the rational, pre-frontal cortex and thinking portion of the brain. Simultaneously the instinctual limbic system kicks in where first-nature fight, flight, freeze and fawn reactions reside. How we do overcome our survival instincts under extreme stress?

A few suggestions were offered. First, exposure. Watching these kinds of videos, and seeing fresh new (intense) scenarios helps to lower the sensitivity. Exposure de-sensitizes the officers to the shock and horror first-times can induce. The nearly year-long training period is essentially a gradual onboarding with this in mind, giving new officers exposure to as many situations as possible so they can say, “Been there, done that before!”

Second, visualizing them self in those situations. Case and point, that morning conversation followed where the squad made observations and considered why officers responded the way that they did as viewed by the body cam. They imagined themselves in that same situation and considered what they might say, feel, and do. This visualization technique was used by my high school track coach who took us through a mental-prep exercise where we lay on our backs, relaxed in a dark room and imagined our entire race. As a miler – lap one, lap two, lap three and then the final. Visualization is commonly understood and widely practiced in performance fields. The officers did this together allowing each other to discover more about their inner thinking.

Third, creating and engaging similar sorts of situations. This can be done in a simulation and practice, otherwise known as training. It is unbelievable how much training the Everett Police officers must take. Every briefing there is some reference to “vector solutions” and who has completed or yet to complete what module or qualification. One particular memorable training simulation the chaplains participated in was a school-shooter response at a historic Everett school building. The fire and police responded from their respective stations in mass. It was not a real emergency. No one was in real danger. But it felt real. Hours and days followed de-briefing what the departments learned. Even as an observer I never forgot the intensity and vastness of that experience. The officers present were in it in an unforgettable way, on the edge of a real life experience. On the other side of that edge is the real deal.

Fourth, real life experience. Once a new situation has happened the officers debrief for the purpose of learning, processing and some self-care. A driving factor for officers wanting to be in the middle of things is their bent toward learning everything they can so they can be better prepared for every situation.

Fifth, modeling from other officers. We as humans tend to be social beings deferring to the dominant reaction unless someone models a different response. Discussions about school shootings and mass shooting situations in recent years provide helpful examples. An officer holding back and afraid can cause the other officers to feel similar fear and hold back. This is the critique around the Uvalde school shooting. Conversely, an officer who is experienced or confident about what is needed, can change the tenor of the entire response team, causing them to initiate contact and take action. New officers are paired with the top notch officers called field-training-officers for all phases of their training. They are not alone and have a constant example to follow.

Relevance for the Rest of Us

What does this mean for us as men who may not be in this line of work? We are in emotion-filled and reactive situations all the time. It can be at work, but more often it is with those that are relationally closest to us. Frankly, there is nothing more stress-inducing than conflict with our intimate other. Our instinctive limbic responses are probably one of the greatest factors undermining those relationships and leading to further conflict. We say and do stupid things in stress. Imagine this scenario.

Husband arrives at the restaurant late, “Hey love, missed you!” He leans down to kiss her forehead. Wife pulls away just before he lands his kiss.

“You’re late” she says flatly.

He takes his seat a little confused. “But I’m here now! Sorry I’m late, can you forgive me?”

She responds with a hint of hurt. “You texted me and promised you would not be late. You’re 20-minutes late.” Intensity is growing.

“Hey now, I had a last minute call I had to take. It’s work. I gotta work you know. You get that, right?”

Most men know how the rest of that conversation and dinner date is going to go. Two problems. First, he’s late. No denying that. Second, he made light of it and then switched to defensiveness. The stress began to intensify as he sped to the restaurant trying to beat the unbeatable GPS estimated time of arrival. Things ratcheted up a notch when she pulled away from the kiss. This poor fellow is essentially limbic – fight, flight, freeze, fawn. He’ll say or do anything to survive. We recognize stupid as unproductive, counterproductive, or hurtful. Additionally, we are aware of the eventual outcome yet blunder forward anyway with the same comment and action.

How many times have you been there? When was the last time? What was the signal event that put you into that reactive place?

Some common areas that signal panic for men: Failure to follow through. We said we would do something (i.e. pick up something from the store, call the contractor, place the order on Amazon) then totally forgot. Our spouse asks us if we did what we said we would. Panic and a response that makes things worse.

Irresponsibility and not doing what was promised. Our planning for the upcoming anniversary, the recurring knocking in the car signaling a needed repair, a vow to be intentionally thoughtful every month with our spouse resulted in the same old procrastinating. The day of reckoning and resulting panic; trouble compounded by our problematic response.

Dishonesty which is found out. Coloring the truth or protecting our special someone from something we thought better to keep to our self (financial issues, relationship faithfulness, crisis at work). Even when things turn out okay they look at us with those eyes filled with hurt or betrayal. We launch into an explanation. The initial crisis becomes double trouble by our dishonesty, and the survival response turns the event into a catastrophe.

Tears in the eyes of our spouse. Most of us don’t really know what to do with tears in the eyes of our significant other. Do we get close, fix it or give distance. In an earlier article, Grief for Dummies, Dense and Stoics I remark, “The emotional landscape, grief central to it, was barren or a wildfire to most boys.” Intense and visible emotion put most men into survival and fix it mode. I know this as well as anyone. Super unhelpful.

Grief we caused. In the course of the everyday we say and do things that cause pain. It can be our insensitivity, humor that hurts or another late night or weekend commitment that removes our availability from the ones we care most about. We know we are the source and cause. It may have been careless or unavoidable for some good reason. Yet, rather than own our responsibility we move toward responses that are damaging and add layer of hurt to the initial event.

Other areas signaling panic for men: Busyness and unavailability. Irritability and rudeness. Anger that stung. Unexpected or intense emotion directed at us. Could you name others unique to you and your intimate relationships?

When we encounter one of these we revert to our first-nature, instinctive survival responses. The problem is the tactics we learned as boys and young men are wholly inadequate for adult relationships, especially with our spouse.

Police Training for the Everyday Man

There are practical ways that we can re-train our reactivity. They require work, practice and one other critical component which I will name at the end.

Exposure. Sitting with other men in meaningful conversations where they disclose the hard stuff they are facing and sorting out their experience is incredibly valuable. Directing conversations toward deeper life issues is not for the sake of fixing the other, but learning how they feel, think and respond. What we learn from other men facing difficulty can help us too. This could also happen in the books and movies with honest character studies. A few come to mind like Oppenheimer, The King’s Speech, Rocky, 127 Hours and Castaway. The romance genre is full of stressful relational challenges. It’s not that they provide the answers. They actually expose us to the questions. Whatever your exposure, tweak your observing to notice the stressor and the responses. You can take this entertaining activity to the next level by considering what you might do if the character.

Visualizing our self in this situation. As you prepare to talk to your wife or loved one imagine the conversation. What will you say to begin? What will be their response? How will that cue you to react? Well-known relational psychologist David Schnarch discusses the dynamic we often get caught in called “Mind-Mapping.” We sub-consciously map out a conflict before we enter into it. In essence, we foretell the other’s response and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy happening just as we anticipate. Changing this mind-mapping tendency through visualization can change the conversation altogether. Visualizing our conversation also prepares us to say what we truly need to say and prompt us back on point.

Creating and engaging similar sorts of situations. One approach is in therapy where a couple will take time under skilled guidance to talk through stressful topics. At times I’ve partnered with my wife, a marriage therapist, as she leads couples through the practice of talking through disagreements with an easy-to-follow structure. Over the course of the weekend they tackle numerous topics and when ready she takes them to the big one. After these real-life simulations they are better equipped to handle future situations that arise. Another approach is for a couple to find a common experience (like marriage retreat or book-reading) where the containment of the experience or book allows them delve into topics they would not easily or otherwise engage. A third approach includes purposeful relationships with other couples ready to delve into relational dynamics and improving quality of relationships. Small groups for couples are much-needed support groups.

Real life experience. The reason why greater potential for happiness and intimacy is possible the longer one has been married is the amount of mileage put on through high-stress situations. A couple who has learned to avoid the expected stress of marriage will likely be an emotionally disconnected one. Marriage is not economics or a machine seeking to run smoothly. Marriage is not fixed by balancing the exchange of goods and services, or replacing a part or greasing a squeaky gear. Marriage is finding a way for two radically different individuals to live together in a third entity of life partnership. The “collision” of two individuals is not a sign of brokenness or even that something is wrong. Two autonomous organisms are evolving into something different from what they began. Marriage is a life ecosystem. Real life experience with high stress moments can break or anchor a couple. First time conflicts, disagreements and crises are highly disruptive and most will be less so the second time.

Modeling from others. Parents, mentor couples, therapists, coaches, friends and wizened elders offer examples for us. No one is going to be the all-inclusive model and ideal but everyone has something to teach us. Asking for guidance, sharing your own personal challenges, processing solutions, and de-briefing after high-stress events are valuable parts of capitalizing on role models. Every couple will do well to find a later-in-life couple who can offer a model. Even if the model is not the ideal and fully right model, it will provide a model nonetheless ably adapted to the uniqueness of the individuals.

Reading back through these five practical ways to re-train our reactivity I am struck by a common theme. Others are required. We cannot do life partnership alone. The man who strives to do the most difficult of relationships alone will likely be alone in the end.

Final Thoughts

Recently a detective reached out to me, asking for help with a very difficult death notification. It would happen the next day so I had the evening to think about it. These conversations are always heavy, and this one was going to be especially so. My thinking of what I might say was at the forefront of my mind when I woke up very early. On my drive to the location where I would be meeting with the family, I literally talked out loud and had a multiple versions of the same conversation. “I feel heavyness and sadness as I share with you this very difficult news…” This practice is essential in emotion-filled in high stress situation’s. When younger I had hoped that one day I would not have to practice. My fantasy was that I would always know what needs to be said, and say it well. I’ve watched so many older men who seemed to speak and handle stressful situations with such skill. I’m coming to realize that most of these men I admired had been exposed, practiced, rehearsed and grew after a lifetime of intentionality. With my wife, kids, networking, and chaplain responsibilities I continue to train myself to respond in situations that can flood or overwhelm me otherwise.

Join me on the journey! Share your experience. Ask questions you have. Reach out or join one of the upcoming group experiences for men to do partnership with another.

Questions to Fuel Action

How would you describe your reactive, first-nature response to stress?

When was a recent reaction with your significant other where your response aggravated or complicated the interaction?

Who do you have to talk about personal, relationship challenges?

Where do you turn for encouragement, advice and modeling?

Join me on the journey! Share your experience. Ask questions you have. Reach out or join one of the upcoming group experiences for men to do partnership with another. Contact Mike Wright