The Key Question Every Man Asks

This article offers the questions Do I have what it takes? and Am I worthy? as a way to deepen self-awareness.

Are you the six-fingered man who killed my father?

In the Princess Bride there is a memorable character driven by unwavering passion. He was an obsessive caricature who resonated with the audience because his life, like the audience's life, was driven by one underlying question. It is the secret sauce of movies to have the main character driven on a quest to answer a deeply personal question. Most often the question is about his manliness or ability to avenge some slight or repay his debt or save the world. This theme works because it is a universal experience of men.

Consider for a moment what questions your life has been driven by over the years. Will I find someone who loves me? Will I find my calling? Can I make a difference in this world? Can I make dad proud? Will mom ever be happy?

The driving question often evolves from teenage through adult years and into midlife. In early therapy I had an insightful guide who offered a question that every man asks himself. It was simple and captured so many of the themes I was wrestling with: “Do I have what it takes?”

Reflect on this for a moment. Do I have what it takes? Consider how this resonates with you, and where you feel dissonance.

It touches on adequacy, attractiveness, accomplishment, competency, value and success. The answer reveals the fear often masked by men's hubris and peacocking. Reducing any person, especially the entire male sex to a single driving question is overly simplistic, but this question is a great conversation starter and place for personal reflection.

Two Core Needs and Two Core Questions

There are core human physical needs and equally important core emotional needs. The physicals are obvious: food, water, air and shelter. The emotional needs I would simplify to safety and belonging, and value and worth. These emotional needs can be framed in the uniquely masculine questions Do I have what it takes? coupled with Am I worthy (of being loved/of the task)?

Connecting the Questions to Our Behavior

Our own lives are great case studies but let me offer quick scenarios based partly on men I've worked with.

Jack works late and unendingly, a source of conflict in his marriage. Despite the growing tension with his wife, the late night correspondence and weekend work interruptions persist. The exasperation on his wife's face only intensifies the anvil-sized pit in his stomach and he pleads with her to understand his predicament. He doesn't know what to do.

Jay is between jobs and struggling to find new work. He has an advanced degree and specialized training but could never find a sustainable job in that field. Now married and a second child on the way he has made the difficult decision to find dependable work that pays well enough. A world of possibility awaits, but Jay feels like he is in a fog, lost and unmotivated.

John is kind and attentive with his girlfriend. His jumping to fulfill her every request was initially sweet but has begun to bother her. When she asks what he would like to do, his preference is whatever she would prefer. He really loves her and has turned on the care, gifts and doing. He feels panicked and powerless as he feels her pulling away.

There is much that could be considered in these fictional characters. I would invite you to consider how the key questions, Do I have what it takes? coupled with Am I worthy (of being loved/of the task)? is likely present. Jack working incessantly and feeling pressure, Jay's lostness amidst new opportunity, and John's spiraling selflessness.

Now consider your own striving or areas of stuck-ness or unwanted behaviors. These areas are often areas of tension, conflict, hurt or disagreement. How have these questions played a gravitational pull in your relationships, career or faith?

So-What: Meaningful Self-Reflection

Inevitably, anyone reading this far is interested to know what the value or conclusion and so-what action step might be. So much could be and would be best said in a one-on-one context, but from a general and short distance I would offer the reader two key questions for a next step in growing in self-awareness.

First, how has the Do-I-have-what-it-takes-question shown up in your most important relationships and pursuits?

Second, how has the Am-I-worthy-of-question influenced your decision-making and life trajectory so far?

These questions I'm coming to welcome on the journey. They are not wrong or bad questions but certainly difficult. If we are unaware of their presence they will influence us in ways we are unaware which is so much of men's struggle. The invitation is to be curious about the questions shaping how we show up.

If this is a fresh thought I welcome you to a crossroads place and the chance to talk further. If this is a familiar topic, I would very much like to hear of your experience and discovery.

Feel free to reach out and offer your perspective!