Discovering the Art of Active Listening
An article inviting men to practice three basic listening skills to improve meaningful conversation: reflecting back, asking clarifying questions and validating the other’s sharing.
It was the Thanksgiving meal and we were sitting at the plastic folding table on metal folding chairs carried up from the storage room. The family was elbow to elbow, plastic flatware clattered and occasionally snapped while food platters were in constant rotation. The room was abuzz with conversation and I was sitting next to my Uncle Jim which felt pretty special even in my mid-thirties. As was his practice he had inquired about work, family and personal life. I don’t remember that particular holiday season but I do remember feeling heaviness and discouragement. It likely centered around financial strain or feeling out of my depth in life or work – these were all things I was struggling with in some form. The environment of joy and enthusiasm only accentuated my private loneliness. After I had finished sharing Jim kindly said, “Mike, you sound really tired.” His words landed with power on my soul. I felt seen and understood in that moment – and tears filled my eyes.
“Yeah, I am.”
In that crowded room full of energy, laughter and conversation my uncle did something I have never forgotten. Using his finely honed skill of active listening, he heard me, saw me and connected with one golden statement. Why was it special to have a seat next to my Uncle Jim at the grown-up table long after I was a grown up? He made me feel special and important. He is a master listener. Great conversationalists are first great listeners. Once they have excelled in listening proficiency they are able to hone their sharing and telling skills. The wise are quiet and the few words they speak thunder.
ACTIVE LISTENING CHANGES RELATIONSHIPS
Perhaps my greatest struggles when one-on-one and in groups is the number of men unprepared and inexperienced in the art of active listening. All it takes is one person to change the dynamic for everyone. I was sitting in an early morning police briefing. It was a crew with which I was very familiar which helped me notice a peculiar vibe in the room. One particular person was offering a constant flow of thoughts and opinions. I noticed the quiet, unresponsive posture of the rest of the group eager to leave and start their duties. Optimistically, I asked a question of the group to steer conversation in a new direction. No luck, this person chimed right in and took things back to where they were. It was like a drowning person screaming, “Listen to me! See me! I’ve got something you gotta hear!” The irony, nobody was ready to come to the rescue.
No one does it right always. Every now and again even aspiring listeners digress into the black hole of random or irrelevance or too-much. But the ability to pause, recover and re-engage in active listening is a skill that we as men need to recover. Most women are masters at it, effortlessly! Men tend to listen when they need or want something. They are tuned in due to a carrot on the stick of conversation (aka, what do I get out of this?). Men may equate active listening with contributing a topic-related comment. They might conclude letting someone finish what they are saying before butting in or changing topics is active listening. They might also think that active listening is offering encouraging phrases like, “Well said” or “I hear you” or “That’s rough”. Etiquette and manners can only take us so far. Active listening moves us into the raw place of feeling another’s human experience. Active listening drastically improves the quality of our lives as it changes the tenor of our relationships!
What is happening with men in conversation? Pinball brain! We tend to be thinking of what we want to say when it’s our turn; we jump to a thought spurred by another’s comment without really listening to what the person is saying; we offer advice and fix each other’s problems or mistakes; we speak from our heads about what we think rather than our hearts from a emotion-connected space. All these make it difficult for men to connect in a meaningful way with others. We approach conversation like it’s a dodgy little ball we have to keep in play. And when we feel it drop down the chute we pull the spring-lever back and launch a new little ball into play. A conversational pause and we offer, “Let me tell you about something that happened to me the other day!” BOING! A new topic is introduced and an opportunity is left behind.
When we discover conversation as the ultimate egg toss there is hope for teachable men!
THREE TIPS TOWARD ACTIVE LISTENING
Let’s get real practical as we come to the core of this article. There are two contexts where we can practice our active listening: The one-on-one conversation and the small group setting. The tips that follow here can transform both.
ACTIVE LISTENING TIP #1
Reflect back what we hear being said
Re-state what we hear the person trying to share. Try to paraphrase the essence, not necessarily the details, of what the person just offered. We will have to actually listen to the words and hear what they are saying. Additionally, we pause, feel and consider the nonverbals.
Jeff has just shared about a new opportunity and career change. We might respond, “Jeff, you are talking about a pretty significant change so much more than just a new job!”
Ezra is talking about some financial difficulty and not renewing his season sporting tickets. We can offer, “It sounds like things are really tough that you have to give up a favorite activity.”
Max mentions things have been tough at home. “Max, I hear you saying things are kind of complicated with home life.”
In these examples you can feel the responsiveness of the sharer. It is a prompt for them to continue, a cue that you are listening and ready to receive anything more that they would like to share.
In reflecting back, we are doing more than parroting back everything that was said. We don’t want to sound like a child proving they were listening by repeating back words verbatim! Reflecting back requires focus, comprehension of what is being said, and understanding of what is happening in the speaker as it is shared. This requires energy and intentionality. Faking it rarely works. If you find yourself drifting, distracted or just uncertain what the person said you may need to move into the next tip.
ACTIVE LISTENING TIP #2
Ask clarifying questions
Follow-up with questions that will invite the person to deeper sharing. These questions are authentically curious and offer someone further indication that they are safe to share more. We may have noticed a mannerism, pause or brief expression. We may have felt a moment of lostness, an uncomfortable tingle in the gut, or realize that an important detail was glossed over or omitted altogether. These are all good places to offer a clarification question. Good clarifying questions piece together fragments, cast light on shadows, and draw out tender details.
Trade secret: This is a fundamental skill in life coaching!
Here are some examples of questions that might be asked:
Jeff, what prompted the career change?
Ezra, how is this for you giving up the season tickets?
Max, would you be willing to tell me more about what’s tough at home?
Good question-asking will steer clear of judgmental, leading, or argumentative questions. We are not trying to prove a point. We are not trying to get them to see things our way. We are inviting them to share hidden more personal parts. We are offering a soft invitation for fuller disclosure in the form of a question. The human safety-meter baseline operates at mildly suspicious. Poorly timed and posed questions can close windows of openness. Once you’ve proven your sincerity and kindness they will begin to further open. A person’s response to our clarifying questions will help indicate their level of trust.
ACTIVE LISTENING TIP #3
Validate and identify with the sharer
Offer dignity and affirmation regardless of whether we agree with the person’s perspective or conclusion. Rightly or wrongly, in the moment of active listening, we are entering the frame-of-mind of the sharer. The point is to affirm the person’s feeling and try put ourself in their place and feel what they feel. This is a posture of curiosity. It is a practical outworking of that well-known experience called empathy.
Jeff expressed a mix of excitement and nervousness about things not working out. We validate, “I get the excitement and nervousness you are feeling, I would feel that way too if in your place.”
Ezra shared his stress and disappointment about the finances and losing his season tickets. We validate, “You have invested so much and worked so hard, it makes total sense why you’d feel stressed and disappointed.
Max discouragingly tells of recent arguments with his wife and that she is no longer talking to him. We validate, “Disconnection with our wife and her silence is not just tough but disheartening and deeply discouraging.
This validating third step is the trifecta. If offered genuinely, the sharer knows we are with them, that we hear them and get at least some of their experience. How do I know? My Uncle Jim’s comment at the Thanksgiving table. I didn’t tell him I was tired. He knew I was tired because he connected to his own struggles and the tiredness with which he was all too familiar. He had listened effectively. I don’t remember the conversation only that one powerful validating statement: “Mike, you sound really tired.” He became Yoda in that moment.
CONCLUSION
These tactics change the tone of conversation. They communicate this person really cares, finds me interesting, makes me feel special, is really bright and worth spending time with.
Active listening is not a lengthy, drawn out thing. It is a simple re-orientation amidst the conversation you are already having. It can happen in a 10-second, 10-minute or hour-long interchange.
Active listening is not manipulative or false. It requires authentic and intentional presence of mind and body. It is taking what is already offered by the sharer and builds trust.
There are more skills and aspects that can be offered but I pause here for consideration. I welcome any further suggestions, stories and feedback!