Truly Great Sharing: Make What We Say Worth Hearing
We sat around the table in the cramped kitchen of the 1970s split-level. A couple weeks before I had been on the grief-stricken scene where a 28-year old young man’s best friend arrived to take him to an appointment but found him deceased. The young adult’s long journey with health issues had concluded on this sad day. In the kitchen I was with his mother, step-father, and best friend discussing the memorial service planned for the coming weekend at a local meeting hall. We discussed the various components of the service: slide show, eulogy offered by the best friend, music and then a time of open sharing. The mic would be offered to anyone in attendance. This seems a simple part of a memorial service planning but as an officiant it is anything but that. There is usually that one well-meaning person who transforms this time into an open-mic moment: Nine out of ten times it is a man, an older man, who steps up and five-ten-fifteen minutes later has the audience shifting uncomfortably in their seats. What is happening in a man who shares too much or has difficulty giving up mic? The four of us discussed open-mic concerns and this particular service went very smoothly with some special emotion-filled sharing. I felt profoundly honored to be part of this time with this precious family.
There is no part of memorial service planning that stirs greater vigilance than times of open sharing. Granted, this is a higher stakes sharing moment. It is also the culmination of a thousand everyday interactions. In writing I hope to raise the value of lower stake moments and dispel the notion that what we do day in and day out bears little relevance on the important times we are called to share something worth listening to. What happens in small conversations prepares us for memorial services, weddings, a child needing advice, a friend in crisis, a small group wrestling with a difficult question, a co-worker suddenly opening up about a personal issue, or life colliding with a perfect stranger.
A conversation about deep, active listening (an earlier article) cannot happen without consideration of effective sharing. There are two sides of a conversation and connection – receiving and giving, hearing and telling, taking in and offering yourself, feeling the other’s experience and allowing them to feel your own. Welcome to the territory of intimacy, vulnerability and transparency. It is possible to fake good listening and fool someone into believing we are truly taking in their experience. However, when we open our mouth the truth is revealed and the depth of our empathy is laid bare. There is wisdom keeping one’s mouth closed. Great and effective sharing is the skill of the wise.
Dear fellow men and brothers, consider this an invitation and exhortation to become better at sharing!
Much can be said about this topic, enough that terrific books are written on the topic. Want to do a deep-dive into powerful sharing? I recently read Karen Eber’s The Perfect Story in which she offers a full framework for story sharing along with guidelines for very specific events like wedding toasts and memorial service eulogies.
What’s Happening In Bad Sharing
What is happening in a man who over-shares, offers cringy statements or is unable to relinquish the mic? A few observations follow.
Many men are simply inexperienced and poorly practiced. Maybe they have had few opportunities, low confidence to speak up, or never had resources to grow their sharing skillset. Experience, practice and training are essential. New police chaplains find their early calls intimidating. What do you say to officers as you arrive on scene when a family who has just lost a loved one and friends arrive over the next few hours? No one intuitively knows what to say in those times. Learning what to say in complex situations requires practice, feedback and refinement. The same is true with the inexperienced sitting down with a spouse, child, or a group in simpler settings.
Folks are foolishly unaware. Memorial services or weddings can be dysregulated settings stirring us into a whirlpool of emotions. When I talk with families about memorial service sharing they usually identify the family member who needs reigning in or extra guidance. This is because no matter the context this person is a sharing liability. A well-known Saturday Night Live guest with the Weekend Update bit is drunk uncle played by Bobby Moynihan. The caricature lands close to home. Tactless sharing does not always require inebriation.
The memes of bad dad jokes have such resonance because dads (men) find their humor funny with little awareness or regard for how others might receive it. Childish, racist, offensive, clueless, classless and other adjectives well-describe dad humor – and men’s bad sharing.
Some men have poor ego strength resulting in an unwillingness to receive feedback. They stubbornly cling to the idea that their intention trumps any adverse impact or misunderstandings on behalf of the listener. As men grow in a self-confidence through self-awareness and learning how they impact others, their ego strength increases along with their willingness to truly listen and course correct. Men with low ego strength have little hope for improving their sharing ability. My advice to them: Keep quiet, people will like you more.
In what ways do you relate? How well does this describe feedback from your spouse, children or friends?
One final observation that contributes to men coming off the rails when sharing.
Men I’ve known reveal an inner scarcity scar. A formative event or experience shaped his style of sharing: 1) He was missed or misunderstood before, so he ensures they see him now. 2) He doesn’t know what he truly feels and works it out in his sharing. Listening to him is a long walk through the inner woods ending in simple discovery or confusion. 3) He wants to be included and believes his sharing is the key to the door. 4) He enjoys the attention and delights in the eyes of others noticing him. 5) He believes style matters more than substance.
Scarcity scars touch desires that are understandable, sweet and good. Yet they do not make for great, effective sharing. Most men are not aware of how people feel as they drone or dump every detail on the listener. Even if they have been told they talk too much they blunder forward sharing without ceasing. On the other side of this wound is a core human desire but the effort to fulfill it is misplaced.
Men Want to Feel Connected When They Share
We want our perspective to matter to those we share it. We hope what we share is received and held well by others. This hope can cause some of us to rev-up trying to share enough or well enough or passionately enough to overcome uncertainty. For others it can send us into hiding giving others our space, quiet passivity or sharing data while not risking true vulnerability. Neither are connecting and rewarding.
There are two common places to share meaningfully: one-on-one and in small groups. This may happen with our spouse, our children at dinner, a church small group, workmates or with a group of friends over beers. In all of these contexts one underlying assumption can be made: People want to feel more meaningfully connected to one another. An added corollary: Connective depth is correlated to the least capable swimmer. Allow the primary assumption to motivate you to risk, share and grow in your sharing skills. Whatever situation in which you find yourself, loved ones and strangers alike want to feel connected, valued and seen. We have this in common. Allow the corollary to temper your figure-it-out-on-your own approach and inspire you to consider your audience. If we are not experiencing connective depth, we may be the least capable swimmer! Let’s learn the language that better reveals our inner workings! Your spouse, children, friends, small group will be blessed in your personal development in this area.
10 Practical Ways to Great Sharing
1) Less is more. People only have a certain amount of bandwidth. In an attempt to be understood we may offer unnecessary background information. Limit back story. Additionally, be careful of free associating – traveling from thought to thought. Let your sharing be so important that others want to take you in. My family has learned to say “Spark notes, dad!” This may involve considering 2-3 anecdotes to share rather than a play-by-play of your entire day. It could be writing a letter of your conflicted feelings rather than winging it with your wife. A notecard limiting what you are saying at a special event is a helpful reminder and often needed bowling lane bumpers to over-sharing. Remember this one simple thing: It is better to leave folks wanting to hear more, than having folks feeling you shared too much. When you reach the mic drop moment, do just that!
2) Advance preparation. Prepare for your sharing beforehand. This suggestion fits hand-in-glove with Less is more. Consider and write down bullet points or cues of what you would like to share; or the question from the lesson you would like to answer. With limited group time this can help keep you on track and offer space for the active listening techniques of reflecting back, asking clarifying questions, and validating. One of my more memorable small group experiences involved a group called Bible Study Fellowship. We were only allowed to respond to group questions which we had considered and written a response before our group time. This requirement felt a bit rigid for some but raised the bar of expectation and quality in our sharing time.
3) Get closer to the heart. Men often offer data and news reporting rather than how they felt personally impacted by an event. Best-selling authors balance backstory with pertinent details to advance the story. Descriptions that set the scene are important. Most men offer a C-SPAN recounting with way too much. The classic novel by Victor Hugo, Les Miserables is a master piece in backstory, details and story-telling – and one of the longest novels ever written. The book begins with more than 100-pages of backstory before we even meet the main character Jean Valjean. Few have read it and many years ago I managed it – a marathon reading event. Someone told me he was paid for the number of words he wrote. Great story but most folks will better enjoy the movie version.
We often use distancing techniques that involve third-person or a universal lesson they “read” or “heard” somewhere. If we are telling someone else’s story find the genuine, personal connection. Seek to share personally from your own experience, I versus they and more precisely, I felt embarrassed versus It was frustrating. Deeper connection will happen when we move from our heads to our hearts. This may require a new feeling word list!
4) Check in with ourself. Grow in awareness of what our body is speaking. Yes, our body speaks! Our memories are more than a cognitive function. They are stored in our bodies and these memories are life learnings. They are guides that constantly provide valuable data. The gut feeling is a real thing and intuition is available to the self-attuned. What am I feeling right now? Where am I experiencing this in my body? When have I felt this way before? What is my body telling me I need? First, check in on how we are feeling in real time. Feeling anxious, bored, eager, or fidgety? This can be subconsciously caught from the listener (audience). We can actually catch the feeling of the audience’s anxiety or boredom like a yawn. Unknowingly, we can find ourself feeling the same toward them, similar to psychological counter transference.
Second, check in by slowing things down. Comedians walk to the stool, pick up a water bottle to take a sip or adjust the mic. Speakers will pause, take a deep breath, gaze at the audience in a quiet reflective moment. These professionals are using these moments to slow down and check in with them self. We can do the same in our sharing.
5) Write a cue so you can return to active listening. While listening, especially as a life coach my client will offer a detail that sparks a thought, feels important to explore or I want to remember. I will write a brief note, a cue, so that I can return to listening. Note-taking done well can nonverbally communicate to the sharer that you deeply value what they are sharing. Most important, active listening requires bandwidth resulting in one of three choices: Actively remember what we want to return to and reduce our listening engagement, interrupt the sharer to engage our thought, or jot a cue and carry on the active listening. When the opportunity comes for you to respond this cue will connect to a relevant detail and often land in a meaningful way.
6) Touch base before transitioning. There will come the point in a conversation when we are ready to change topics. We all want seamless transitions that avoid the awkward, clearly you weren’t listening or interested in what I was saying… inference. Timing is important. Sometimes an interruption is needed. It may feel uncool to say what you are thinking or name your experience. When I’m sitting down in a 50-minute session with a client we will have several topics to touch base on. We need to change direction regularly. It is okay and actually helpful to ask permission to change topics: While we have been talking about [TOPIC], would it be okay if I turn our conversation to [TOPIC]? Silent moments need not be awkward. They can signal transitions. Let them linger and notice what topic emerges. Less tactful transitions would be to comment, Anyway… this is awkward… this feels weird… Some ways to facilitate a smoother topic transition: Does this feeling like an okay place to change topics? Is there anything more you would like to say before we move to the next thing?
7) Tell the group how would you like to be received. Many of us are fixers ready to offer advice and remedy the problem. We are solution and outcome oriented. If you are sharing something meaningful you can prompt your listener or audience for how you would like them to respond. Do we want them to listen and just take us in? Or do we want to share our experience and here their thoughts? Are we wanting some advice?
8) Check in with the listener. Build in a feedback loop which will let you know how folks are tracking. Glazed over eyes can be a sign you’ve lost folks. Sometimes they are bored. Sometimes they are lingering about an earlier comment or thought. Simply asking, Are you still with me? How are you tracking with me? Am I losing you? These don’t have to be shame-filled moments but powerfully connecting moments. The listener feels like you are actually interested in them and you can make needed adjustments.
9) Bring curiosity rather than convictions. Rigid beliefs, we-know-what’s-right and let-tell-you-what-to-think close off and distance listeners. The growing polarity of our society is obvious and well-documented. Offering soft openings to our sharing is a great way to diffuse tense topics. In my experience so far… I wonder if one way to see things is to… I want to honor other perspectives and one that has resonated with me… Perhaps one way to consider this is… I may be missing something, what do you think?
10) Be kind to yourself as you learn to refine your sharing. This takes time and in some cases well-ingrained patterns take a long time to change. The day is coming as we age when our great contribution will be the stories and sharing we offer to younger folks. If we are reading this article and considering how to improve our communicating, it says a great deal about us. It’s not too late and the pre-requisite of a teachable spirit is present! If I could offer one key and irreplaceable piece of advice: Find a feedback loop! Consider who can offer you honest and clear feedback on how you are communicating, and invite them to share. We can record ourself and watch those videos back which is helpful. However, we will never know how well we are heard and if our sharing is worth listening except through trusted others.
Let’s Give People Reason to Listen
When a child my family often camped near lakes stocked with rainbow trout. It was a great place to learn to fish. Only a fish farm or grocery store yielded better success! My dad taught me to fasten a bobber at the top of the leader line, tie a hook and set bait. So many people believe fish are caught by hooks. Nope. Fish are caught by bait. The hooks keep the fish on the line. I’ve never heard of someone catching a fish with a bare, bronze hook. The goal is to hide the shiny, brass hook under the neon power bait. Too much bait can fall off when cast into the water. More does not increase success and once the bait is used up your fishing excursion is over. Consider truly great sharing as bait on the hook. More does not make what we are saying more worthwhile. Our shared goal is to feel more meaningfully connected to one another – the hook under the bait. Put enough bait on and call it good. Watch and see what happens with great sharing. We may find people listening for more!